Letter from Daddy

LETTER FROM DADDY

Dear son,

Our world shattered the moment

we were told that there was no heartbeat from you. 

We hoped it was a just bad dream.  

Then there you were, in our arms, finally. 

You were so perfect in every way. 

We were sad, angry, confused and lost. 

We couldn’t fathom why this is happening.

Not a day goes by that we don’t hope to wake up to your crying. 

We sought consolation, and found it. 

You and we are just not meant to be. 

You were supposed to be gone a long time ago, but you hung on to the very last moment, so that we could see you and hold you. 

If only for a moment, you will always be in our son, and Andrea's little brother.

If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true.
We'd pray with all our hearts
For yesterday and you.

A thousand words can't bring you back;

We know because we've tried.
And neither will a million tears,
We know - because we've cried.

Fly free, our angel.

My First Born Son

"Your will always be my first born Son"

It's been almost 3 months now since I gave birth to the body of my lifeless baby boy, Adrian Vince. I remember vividly how it was painful for me and my husband when we were told that we lost our precious and much awaited baby boy. This month of July was supposed to be the month that we will be meeting our Adrian. I remember telling my husband one cold afternoon that I couldn't wait for July to meet our son and here we are now with nothing to expect anymore. If you ask me how  I am feeling right now, to tell you honestly, I am still in the process of healing but I can say that I am much better than before, I am slowly accepting the fact that my son is not with us anymore and will never be. Everyday is a blessing to me, as I am slowly embracing the reality and the healing that I have been longing for to save me from depression and I thank God for not leaving me and my husband alone with this battle of life and death. I believe God is with us all the time in coping with our loss up until now. I can feel his presence, I can feel that he is listening to me and been touching my heart each time I am grieving for my son. It's been a roller coaster in dealing with pain and I don't know when I will totally be okey. But since the month of July is a significant month for me as this month was a suppose birth month of my son, Adrian, I feel emotional and sad thinking how different life would be if Adrian was just here. I miss my son very much, and each time I misses him I talk to our Heavenly Father.  Talking to our God in silence helps me a lot to ease my sadness and pain.

Just few days ago, I've read a blog with the same experienced as mine. She delivered a stillborn baby the same month to mine and guess what? It is also the same weeks old to Adrian. I just realized that I was not alone in this world who had experienced the most painful events in life and that is losing a baby. Can you imagine, we both lost our precious little one at the same period of time. When I read about her blog I felt connected with her, I find consolation through her words of inspiration. I was inspired and urges myself to be like her, trying to be strong even when losing a baby. I realized, how things become easy and even with a heavy heart, you will be able to get back to normal and stand up again and that's because you allow God to heal and touch your heart. It may take time for us to regain the sanity after losing a child but if we just let ourselves to grieve at our own phase, sooner or later we will find peace and acceptance. 

I thought, it would be difficult for me to face life after losing Adrian. Yes, it was difficult at the beginning. I was so broken and hated myself but beacuse of Love, I gradually embrace acceptance. Yes, Love! Love of my family and the love for my son. I kept in my mind that my son is now safe with God, where there is no pain and sufferings and that made me somehow felt at peace. Even I have missed him so much I know up there he has been watching over us with Our heavenly Father. 

   

A Mother's story and the courage to moved on after a stillborn baby.

" My world shattered and my heart was torn apart when we were told that our baby boy has no heartbeat anymore " 

" I never imagine myself that I will be delivering a lifeless baby in my entire life. Why me, why my Adrian. I was utterly numb and couldn't believe it was really happening to me. " 

Just 4 months ago, Me and my husband were very excited to know that we are expecting a baby, although we are a bit worried on how it's gonna be like having the baby around since we are just new migrants in Australia and we have no relatives to run to.  Concern on how are we prepared to look after our baby and a 5 year old daughter who are currently at prep. Giving the fact that I could not drive yet and my baby will be arriving on winter. It's giving me headache thinking of our situation and sometimes leads me and my husband to argument. All I wanted is to have a stress free pregnancy and just wanted to look after myself until the baby comes out and feeding my mind with all the worries when the baby arrived made me feel anxious even more. 

Despite of innumerable worries, me and my husband still couldn't hide the excitement for another member of the family. We started to imagine how our life would change with a another child coming but one thing we are sure was our family is growing. We don't mind if we are going to have a baby girl or a boy but having a boy is an answered prayer for us since we wanted to have a boy and a girl to  complete our family. 

March 9, 2016, Was my scheduled for my 20 week ultrasound. I remember that feeling of excitement because we are very much thrilled to know the gender of our baby. My heart was beating so fast when it was finally my turn.. The doctor seems nice, he made me calm down but still I was so tense to know our baby's gender. Watching our baby moved a lot in the monitor was so overwhelming and when the gender finally revealed to us, I was so speechless and don't know exactly what to say.  The ultrasound was pretty good as per the doctor but still all results will be discuss in my antenatal check up with my midwife. We couldn't wait to announce the good news to our close friends and family. Everyone was so happy for us that we are now having a boy in the family. It's a complete team as they say. Not a day goes by that we don't imagine our baby boy growing into a toddler so we can bring him to camping and other outdoor activities. We are imagining our daughter looking after her baby brother and how she is as a big sister to her brother. We can't wait to go fishing with Adrian, watching movies, going to picnic and how chaos would it be since it's going to be a 2 children in the house soon.

At 20 weeks, I was still working and plan to stop when I reach my 28 weeks. People at work will always tell me that I don't look 5 months pregnant. I know that I watch what I  eat as I don't want my baby to get bigger as I wanted to have a successful natural birth for my son. I look at my pictures during my pregnancy with my daughter and I can say that my baby bump is not as big as my  my previous pregnancy,  before was different though coz I was eating too much that time but that doesn't worry me that much because I know for myself that I am carrying a healthy baby boy and since it's my second pregnancy, I am very confident I can carry my baby until he comes out at full term. However, there comes a time that I felt exhausted with my work as I always on my feet the entire shift but I am always positive and even trying to be as tough as the other pregnant staff at work. I never think that every pregnant woman is different, all I think is that if they can do it then why can't I?..

April 11, 2016, My 24 week antenatal came and it was my 2nd check up with my midwife. I was a bit dissapointed because the midwife was not able to produce the results of my 20 week ultrasound. My suppose 24 week check up was a total mess but still I am happy because I was able to hear the heartbeat of my baby boy. Little did I know, it will be the last time I will ever to hear his heartbeat. 

It was Thursday afternoon April 21, 2016. I was pre-occupied with work at home the whole morning and I just realized that I haven't felt the baby moving since that morning. I told my Mom about the absence of movement and she just told me that the baby was just sleeping and not to worry about it. Few hours later, I can't still feel him moving but I wasn't worried that much because I know babies sometimes move less specially when sleeping, so I think, that could possibly be the reason why I can't feel him moving the entire day.

Friday came and still it's the same. I begun to feel worried but I never thought of anything bad could happen to my baby. I am still clueless but at the same time I feel that there's something wrong inside my tummy. Since we are going to see a GP for my Mom, I decided to have my baby's heartbeat check as well,  we were scheduled at around 5:30pm in the afternoon but before hand, I asked the receptionist if they have the device to hear the heartbeat of the baby inside the womb (this is the time when I don't know Mercy Hospital have Emergency Department) We headed to the GP Clinic, unfortunately it was a male GP available that afternoon. I told him about my concern and he asked me to lie down in the bed, but to my surprise, it was not the the device I was expecting. I was very frightened and worried because he was pushing my tummy too hard with the stethoscope and I was really scared and worried, thinking it could worsen the situation. I am not surprised when he told me that he could not hear the heartbeat because I know for myself that stethoscope is not the right device to use for pregnant woman. He then gave a recommendation letter for emergency ultrasound and right away we headed straight to hospital. 

It was 7:30pm when we arrived in the emergency section and glad we were entertained right away. The midwife who was on duty explained to me that there's no way the GP could trace the heartbeat because he was using a wrong device. I was feeling relieved to hear the midwife saying it. Right away she asked me to lie down in the bed to check my baby's heartbeat..

I was really excited and can't wait to hear Adrian's heartbeat again. I immediately turn to bed and trying to feel the gel and Doppler working on my tummy. The midwife was silent the whole time while tracing the heartbeat. She seems very uneasy while doing the Doppler. I was also waiting to hear the heartbeat coming out from a Doppler. It took a while before she asked me to transfer in the ultrasound room as she could not  trace the heartbeat with the Doppler device. I was already nervous that time and my heart beats so fast and my hand was shaking. The midwife was reassuring me by saying "it could be the baby's position sometimes", but I know that there is something not right. Tears were already flowing down my checks while waiting for the Doctor in the ultrasound room. I can't stop thinking of my baby that time and I was praying that God will not forsake my baby. The doctor came with old ultrasound machine, She was nice and keeping me comfort while putting the gel to my tummy. She was so silent the whole time while looking at the monitor, it took her a few minutes before she broke her silence. She never told me yet what she saw in the monitor but rather took another ultrasound machine. She came back with another doctor, she introduces me to the doctor which will perform the ultrasound scan with the new ultrasound machine. The room were shrouded with silence again. It was so strange not hearing them talking while looking at the monitor and I know, right there, I can feel it that my baby is gone. It took them a while to say what happened to the baby. I cannot forget the Doctor say "I am sorry but we cannot find the heartbeat of the baby". I was broken and wanted to cry out loud. I was numb afterwards and cried again. I couldn't believe that I lost my baby. Me and my husband were both devastated with the horrifying news. We were left in the room crying and sobbing with so much pain. All I wanted that moment is to stop the time and world from moving. I wanted to shut down the world with me and ask the Lord why? Why oh Lord this is happening to me. Why he gave Adrian and yet he took him away from me that instant.  

After the moment of crying, they told me what to do and the next step, which is to induce me to have a normal delivery. I was asked again to comeback the the following day to have a formal ultrasound and on that the same day they gave me a medication to stop my pregnancy. And the worst thing was I have to wait 48hours before I will deliver Adrian. It was too painful to know that I will be delivering a lifeless baby. I was still in shock but still hoping everything was just a mistake. I was crying and crying for 2 days and blaming myself of what had happened. 

April 26, 2016 @ 10:18pm, I delivered my handsome baby boy Adrian. A lifeless baby, There was no tears falling anymore as I was numb but the pain was still stabbing my heart. They place Adrian on my chest,  He was a bit red and some skin were already shedding off. I wasn't able to touch him more as I could not move much due to morphine. I regret that day that I was not pushing myself harder to move so I could touch him and feel him much longer.  We have stayed in the hospital for 3 days with our baby boy and I was so thankful that all the staff in the hospital took really good care of us and Adrian. The pastoral care had done a great job. The heartfelt was there for photo-shoot session. The support was overwhelming. I always watch my baby in the cot and as if he was just sleeping. I sometimes took him out in the cot and carry him and wanted to feel him around my arm but I am too afraid as he was already soft and delicate. Every night, in the hospital, I look outside from my room watching the sky and talking to my Son, in silent, asking him why he let go of mommy.. I feel sorry, mad, sad, guilty, hoping that everything was just a dream as everything hasn't sunk in my whole system yet. Each time I wake up hoping that I am still pregnant with Adrian but each day is always a disappointment, I guess it isn't really a dream and I have to accept it and it's hard, it's just easy to say it but the truth is you just don't know. Me and my husband decided to go home and did not stay too long in the hospital, although they have told us to stay as much as we want but we were also worried with Adrian's condition because his skin was changing everyday. So on friday, April 29, 2016 @ 12:30noon, we have bid goodbye to Adrian. We went home empty handed and it's crushing me to pieces. I got home with so much pain in my heart and don't know how I would be able to go on with my life without Adrian. 

I never knew about stillborn until It happens to me and If only I could turn back the time I would definitely watch over it and will took extra care with my pregnancy. I can't seem to understand why it should be happening to every mother in this world. I cannot understand why God allow this to happen but in my mind I know it was not God's fault.

I am still trying be strong everyday as I still have my daughter with me but sometime I could not stop myself from crying and feel sad because the pain is still excruciating me. I hope one day I can find healing with all the pain I have gone through as coping up was so hard for me. I have been reading so many stories about mother who had stillborn and their stories help me a lot with my coping up.

It's been 4 weeks now since Adrian was gone. I wanted to remember him everyday as much as I wanted him to be remembered by everyone and it is hard to know the fact that eventually people will get to forget him. I know the more I will do it, coping up will be more difficult for me. It's just so hard as you don't know where you should put yourself at this point because you can't go on with your life if you still don't want to let go and you know that letting go makes you feel sad and in pain. I guess, it's just time could really heal me from pain and I know God will not leave me with this alone even for the fact that I could not understand his ways but I hope time will come I will look back and say that God work is mysterious. 

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I miss my baby boy Adrian so much. There were no days that I don't think about of him. I hope he misses me too but I know heaven is his home now and he is safe in the hands of God. 

An Angel born Sleeping...

In Loving Memory of our Little Angel

You were born silent, 
perfect and beautiful. 
still loved. still missed.
still remembered. Everyday. 

You came to us unexpectedly but was never unwanted.

Full of triumphs and overwhelming feelings but shrouded with unknown fears.

Nevertheless, you are a blessing from heaven above and you were so loved and anticipated.

Each day and night, I nurtured you with love and happiness while battling with fears and worries.

God knows how much you are loved and wanted. 

You were so precious little one that I could no longer wait, to feel you in my arms and showered you with so much love.

Everything was so perfect then until you decided to stop your heart from beating.  

I could not contain how I felt as I was so wrecked and fell down hard the moment I saw you born sleeping. 

How I wish I could cuddle you and hug you so tight and kiss your forehead and say, My son, I am sorry that you have to feel what I feel at these hard times and despair. I could not believe, could not fathom, hoping everything was just a bad dream and wish it will come to an end.

Waking up each day without you in my arms was so hard.

Wishing to go back time and undone what I have done. 

It breaks my heart in silence thinking of not able to hear you cry, see you smile, see you crawl, hear your first word and watch you grow. 

My world turned upside down as I can no longer nurture you with mother's love as you have gone long before.

There were no days and nights I longed for your touch, wishing you are here by my side, comfort you with mother's touch each time you cry. 

But here I am, with never ending tears of agony. 
Thinking of the life without you will never be the same.

Hoping and praying that time will heal the pain and when that day will come your memory will bring back the smile in my face again. 

My Dearest Son, I may not carry you in my ARMS but I will forever carry you in my HEART. 

Remember that Mommy LOVES you so much... 

Sleep well, My Son..

Pursuing Dreams

Dream! Each and everyone of us has its own dream. A dream to become a Pilot, an entrepreneur, Doctor, Scientist or just simply a successful career in our chosen profession and so on and so forth. These are just few of what we yearn and aspire to become when we were young and how we envisioned ourselves in the future. But before we get to where we become, we should, of course start to basic learning or schooling. We have to go through and pass grade school, secondary school and right after we graduate secondary school, that's the time we go to college to get start with "the making" of our future profession.

But some of us are ambivalent to what course we should take up for college. Some may have decided what to get but could not afford to. Others are just afraid to take a risk because of what they believe they don't have the capacity and ability to do such things. These are just a few of so many factors as to why many dreams could not be achieved.  We may not getting what we want but it should not be the reason to stop following our dreams. We have to strive hard and do our best to get our goal, in the end we become resilient through facing adversity in life and that's probably the most uplifting stage we could get in our existence. Always believe in ourselves and have faith in GOD! 

Nothing is impossible as long as we believe and take that fear away from our system. And once we are in the verge of getting those dreams all those hardships will reward amply upon us. Be a risk taker. And stop that fear of the unknown, we wouldn't know until we try such things. We are born to live life to the fullest, so do what we want to do that makes our life live in its purpose and make a difference each day.