A Mother's story and the courage to moved on after a stillborn baby.

" My world shattered and my heart was torn apart when we were told that our baby boy has no heartbeat anymore " 

" I never imagine myself that I will be delivering a lifeless baby in my entire life. Why me, why my Adrian. I was utterly numb and couldn't believe it was really happening to me. " 

Just 4 months ago, Me and my husband were very excited to know that we are expecting a baby, although we are a bit worried on how it's gonna be like having the baby around since we are just new migrants in Australia and we have no relatives to run to.  Concern on how are we prepared to look after our baby and a 5 year old daughter who are currently in prep. Giving the fact that I could not drive yet and my baby will be arriving on winter. It's giving me headache thinking of our situation and sometimes leads me and my husband to argument. All I wanted is to have a stress free pregnancy and just wanted to look after myself until the baby comes out and feeding my mind with all the worries when the baby arrived made me feel anxious even more. 

Despite of innumerable worries, me and my husband still couldn't hide the excitement for another member of the family. We started to imagine how our life would change with a another child coming but one thing we are sure was our family is growing. We don't mind if we are going to have a baby girl or a boy but having a boy is an answered prayer for us since we wanted to have a boy and a girl to  complete our the team. 

March 9, 2016, Was my scheduled for my 20 week ultrasound. I remember that feeling of excitement because we are very much thrilled to know the gender of our baby. My heart was beating so fast when it was finally my turn.. The doctor seems nice, he made me calm down but still I was so tense to know our baby's gender. Watching our baby moved a lot in the monitor was so overwhelming and when the gender finally revealed to us, I was so speechless and don't know exactly what to say.  The ultrasound was pretty good as per the doctor but still all results will be discuss in my antenatal check up with my midwife. We couldn't wait to announce the good news to our close friends and family. Everyone was so happy for us that we are now having a boy in the family. It's a complete team as they say. Not a day goes by that we don't imagine our baby boy growing into a toddler so we can bring him to camping and other outdoor activities. We are imagining our daughter looking after her baby brother and how she is as a big sister to her brother. We can't wait to go fishing with Adrian, watching movies, going to picnic and how chaos would it be since it's going to be a 2 kids in the house soon.

At 20 weeks, I was still working and plan to stop when I reach my 28 weeks. People at work will always tell me that I don't look 5 months pregnant. I know that I watch what I  eat as I don't want my baby to get bigger as I wanted to have a successful natural birth for my son. I look at my pictures during my pregnancy with my daughter and I can say that my baby bump is not as big as my  my previous pregnancy,  before was different though coz I was eating too much that time but that doesn't worry me that much because I know for myself that I am carrying a healthy baby boy and since it's my second pregnancy, I am very confident I can carry my baby until he comes out at full term. However, there comes a time that I felt exhausted with my work as I always on my feet the entire shift but I am always positive and even trying to be as tough as the other pregnant staff at work. I never think that every pregnant woman is different, all I think is that if they can do it then why can't I?..

April 11, 2016, My 24 week antenatal came and it was my 2nd check up with my midwife. I was a bit dissapointed because the midwife was not able to produce the results of my 20 week ultrasound. My suppose 24 week check up was a total mess but still I am happy because I was able to hear the heartbeat of my baby boy. Little did I know, it will be the last time I will ever to hear his heartbeat. 

It was Thursday afternoon April 21, 2016. I was pre-occupied with work at home the whole morning and I just realized that I haven't felt the baby moving since that morning. I told my Mom about the absence of movement and she just told me that the baby was just sleeping and not to worry about it. Few hours later, I can't still feel him moving but I wasn't worried that much because I know babies sometimes move less specially when sleeping, so I think, that could possibly be the reason why I can't feel him moving the entire day.

Friday came and still it's the same. I begun to feel worried but I never thought of anything bad could happen to my baby. I am still clueless but at the same time I feel that there's something wrong inside my tummy. Since we are going to see a GP for my Mom, I decided to have my baby's heartbeat check as well,  we were scheduled at around 5:30pm in the afternoon but before hand, I asked the receptionist if they have the device to hear the heartbeat of the baby inside the womb (this is the time when I don't know Mercy Hospital have Emergency Department) We headed to the GP Clinic, unfortunately it was a male GP available that afternoon. I told him about my concern and he asked me to lie down in the bed, but to my surprise, it was not the the device I was expecting. I was very frightened and worried because he was pushing my tummy too hard with the stethoscope and I was really scared and worried, thinking it could worsen the situation. I am not surprised when he told me that he could not hear the heartbeat because I know for myself that stethoscope is not the right device to use for pregnant woman. He then gave a recommendation letter for emergency ultrasound and right away we headed straight to hospital. 

It was 7:30pm when we arrived in the emergency section and glad we were entertained right away. The midwife who was on duty explained to me that there's no way the GP could trace the heartbeat because he was using a wrong device. I was feeling relieved to hear the midwife saying it. Right away she asked me to lie down in the bed to check my baby's heartbeat..

I was really excited and can't wait to hear Adrian's heartbeat again. I immediately turn to bed and trying to feel the gel and Doppler working on my tummy. The midwife was silent the whole time while tracing the heartbeat. She seems very uneasy while doing the Doppler. I was also waiting to hear the heartbeat coming out from a Doppler. It took a while before she asked me to transfer in the ultrasound room as she could not  trace the heartbeat with the Doppler device. I was already nervous that time and my heart beats so fast and my hand was shaking. The midwife was reassuring me by saying "it could be the baby's position sometimes", but I know that there is something not right. Tears were already flowing down my checks while waiting for the Doctor in the ultrasound room. I can't stop thinking of my baby that time and I was praying that God will not forsake my baby. The doctor came with old ultrasound machine, She was nice and keeping me comfort while putting the gel to my tummy. She was so silent the whole time while looking at the monitor, it took her a few minutes before she broke her silence. She never told me yet what she saw in the monitor but rather took another ultrasound machine. She came back with another doctor, she introduces me to the doctor which will perform the ultrasound scan with the new ultrasound machine. The room were shrouded with silence again. It was so strange not hearing them talking while looking at the monitor and I know, right there, I can feel it that my baby is gone. It took them a while to say what happened to the baby. I cannot forget the Doctor say "I am sorry but we cannot find the heartbeat of the baby". I was broken and wanted to cry out loud. I was numb afterwards and cried again. I couldn't believe that I lost my baby. Me and my husband were both devastated with the horrifying news. We were left in the room crying and sobbing with so much pain. All I wanted that moment is to stop the time and world from moving. I wanted to shut down the world with me and ask the Lord why? Why oh Lord this is happening to me. Why he gave Adrian and yet he took him away from me that instant.  

After the moment of crying, they told me what to do and the next step, which is to induce me to have a normal delivery. I was asked again to comeback the the following day to have a formal ultrasound and on that the same day they gave me a medication to stop my pregnancy. And the worst thing was I have to wait 48hours before I will deliver Adrian. It was too painful to know that I will be delivering a lifeless baby. I was still in shock but still hoping everything was just a mistake. I was crying and crying for 2 days and blaming myself of what had happened. 

April 26, 2016 @ 10:18pm, I delivered my handsome baby boy Adrian. A lifeless baby, There was no tears falling anymore as I was numb but the pain was still stabbing my heart. They place Adrian on my chest,  He was a bit red and some skin were already shedding off. I wasn't able to touch him more as I could not move much due to morphine. I regret that day that I was not pushing myself harder to move so I could touch him and feel him much longer.  We have stayed in the hospital for 3 days with our baby boy and I was so thankful that all the staff in the hospital took really good care of us and Adrian. The pastoral care had done a great job. The heartfelt was there for photo-shoot session. The support was overwhelming. I always watch my baby in the cot and as if he was just sleeping. I sometimes took him out in the cot and carry him and wanted to feel him around my arm but I am too afraid as he was already soft and delicate. Every night, in the hospital, I look outside from my room watching the sky and talking to my Son, in silent, asking him why he let go of mommy.. I feel sorry, mad, sad, guilty, hoping that everything was just a dream as everything hasn't sunk in my whole system yet. Each time I wake up hoping that I am still pregnant with Adrian but each day is always a disappointment, I guess it isn't really a dream and I have to accept it and it's hard, it's just easy to say it but the truth is you just don't know. Me and my husband decided to go home and did not stay too long in the hospital, although they have told us to stay as much as we want but we were also worried with Adrian's condition because his skin was changing everyday. So on friday, April 29, 2016 @ 12:30noon, we have bid goodbye to Adrian. We went home empty handed and it's crushing me to pieces. I got home with so much pain in my heart and don't know how I would be able to go on with my life without Adrian. 

I never knew about stillborn until It happens to me and If only I could turn back the time I would definitely watch over it and will took extra care with my pregnancy. I can't seem to understand why it should be happening to every mother in this world. I cannot understand why God allow this to happen but in my mind I know it was not God's fault.

I am still trying be strong everyday as I still have my daughter with me but sometime I could not stop myself from crying and feel sad because the pain is still excruciating me. I hope one day I can find healing with all the pain I have gone through as coping up was so hard for me. I have been reading so many stories about mother who had stillborn and their stories help me a lot with my coping up.

It's been 4 weeks now since Adrian was gone. I wanted to remember him everyday as much as I wanted him to be remembered by everyone and it is hard to know the fact that eventually people will get to forget him. I know the more I will do it, coping up will be more difficult for me. It's just so hard as you don't know where you should put yourself at this point because you can't go on with your life if you still don't want to let go and you know that letting go makes you feel sad and painfull. I guess, it's just time could really heal me from pain and I know God will not leave me with this alone even for the fact that I could not understand his ways but I hope time will come I will look back and say that God work is mysterious. 

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I miss my baby boy Adrian so much. There were no days that I don't think about of him. I hope he misses me too but I know heaven is his home now and he is safe in the hands of God.