My First Born Son

"Your will always be my first born Son"

It's been almost 3 months now since I gave birth to the body of my lifeless baby boy, Adrian Vince. I remember vividly how it was painful for me and my husband when we were told that we lost our precious and much awaited baby boy. This month of July was supposed to be the month that we will be meeting our Adrian. I remember telling my husband one cold afternoon that I couldn't wait for July to meet our son and here we are now with nothing to expect anymore. If you ask me how  I am feeling right now, to tell you honestly, I am still in the process of healing but I can say that I am much better than before, I am slowly accepting the fact that my son is not with us anymore and will never be. Everyday is a blessing to me, as I am slowly embracing the reality and the healing that I have been longing for to save me from depression and I thank God for not leaving me and my husband alone with this battle of life and death. I believe God is with us all the time in coping with our loss up until now. I can feel his presence, I can feel that he is listening to me and been touching my heart each time I am grieving for my son. It's been a roller coaster in dealing with pain and I don't know when I will totally be okey. But since the month of July is a significant month for me as this month was a suppose birth month of my son, Adrian, I feel emotional and sad thinking how different life would be if Adrian was just here. I miss my son very much, and each time I misses him I talk to our Heavenly Father.  Talking to our God in silence helps me a lot to ease my sadness and pain.

Just few days ago, I've read a blog with the same experienced as mine. She delivered a stillborn baby the same month to mine and guess what? It is also the same weeks old to Adrian. I just realized that I was not alone in this world who had experienced the most painful events in life and that is losing a baby. Can you imagine, we both lost our precious little one at the same period of time. When I read about her blog I felt connected with her, I find consolation through her words of inspiration. I was inspired and urges myself to be like her, trying to be strong even when losing a baby. I realized, how things become easy and even with a heavy heart, you will be able to get back to normal and stand up again and that's because you allow God to heal and touch your heart. It may take time for us to regain the sanity after losing a child but if we just let ourselves to grieve at our own phase, sooner or later we will find peace and acceptance. 

I thought, it would be difficult for me to face life after losing Adrian. Yes, it was difficult at the beginning. I was so broken and hated myself but beacuse of Love, I gradually embrace acceptance. Yes, Love! Love of my family and the love for my son. I kept in my mind that my son is now safe with God, where there is no pain and sufferings and that made me somehow felt at peace. Even I have missed him so much I know up there he has been watching over us with Our heavenly Father.